A New Month, A New Me!

Ha ha, just kidding! I'm still a fat mess, but at least I'm trying and figuring out how to manage my rotten ways and ridiculous, disordered eating, right?

See, what it boils down to is I'm an over-achiever...a "Type A" I guess is what they like to label folks with my personality traits. I don't like to be told what to do, I need to micro-manage, and I'm always looking for better and pushing myself to be the best. But the thing that makes me slightly different is I'm not competitive - I don't give a flying fuck what my peers are doing really and I don't want to necessarily have their lives or out do anyone or be better than another person.

Because really, who knows what someone is going through on the inside or what one's life is like behind those closed doors? If someone were to look at my fat ass, they'd think I was very fortunate, with an enviable situation and appealing (enough) body and desirable aspects to my life. They'd be right on the surface I guess but the daily torment/back-and-forth I put myself through is such shyte, I mean, who would really trade their lives for mine if they knew how I really am?

Anyway, what was I babbling about? Oh yes, I've tried kicking my vomiting cold-turkey. It lasted for a few days, then almost a few weeks, but I started again once a day and then I had to just stop eating altogether. I can't with the vomiting. It's tiring, and my allergies are acting up and it fucks with my throat so badly. Plus, I always try and grow my nails out a little as a deterrent from poking around my esophagus and I don't feel like ripping them off again so no more eating which equals no purging. Well, that's the plan, anyway...

But yeah, after being triggered by my husband's perverse, teenage-fucking ways and filing our taxes jointly (for the last time, I swear!), I've been very truthful to myself about my failed relationships and mommy/daddy/guilt issues and I have a plan of attack (kind of) in mind so I'm just chilling out, shopping too much, and trying to be social at least once a week before I finally head over to Tokyo.

I get it: life can be shitty and usually is for a majority of the world's population. Am I going to keep complaining and wallowing in my own fat and failure or am I going to reclaim my philosophy of "fuck the rest, just do your best" and fight for my own version of happiness? If you know me by now, I think you'll know the answer to that question...