Keep Your Shit Together

All right, let's make this brief, shall we? There's really no need to ramble on and on in a recap of my ED related foolishness...

I had a pretty decent day. Was exhausted yesterday after continuing my 2 lb a day weight loss...of course I'm doing it the unhealthy way. Rapidly, foolishly, slightly obsessively. Meh. The calendar keeps telling me that time is shifting from being on my side to moving on, so I don't have the 'luxury' of being Team Fit Fam (hah) and doing it "the right way" through normal - whatever that is - exercise and a well-balanced diet.

Not like I fucking care. I could die tomorrow from some freak accident and I'd still be skinny-ish, whether it was from barfing or bike riding so whatever, la! Let me do what I have to do for the time being so I can make sure my fat ass gets thin by the time I have to board that plane! Hmph.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. So I'd been tired from my stupid gym obsession and I think I'm becoming dependent on coffee (gross) despite my effort to just limit my intake and only use when extremely necessary. So today/yesterday I decided to take it easy! Don't worry about work or doing a bunch of errands or being *terribly* productive! Just stay happy(ish) and make sure not to tip the scale *no pun intended* towards my freak-out state of mind where I rage and eat everything in sight. No more of that shit, right!

Right. For about 18 hours of the day. Then I met up with a friend and it went downhill from there. Despite me making it clear and she already knowing I don't eat, or at least didn't want to this time, I still managed to kind of get coerced into having just a bit of an appetizer and I *know* in hindsight, and in the rational part of my brain, that it wasn't even anything but it made me uncomfortable.

Ok, no worries. Still had an awesome time, just go home and go to the gym, right? Wrong! She immediately lost her wallet after we left the restaurant, somehow, and my stupid, over-sensitive ass felt bad and bought her a new one. Why? I don't know. I have this awful nagging feeling I'm just bad luck. Seriously. I think that I make everyone's life worse that I know. Whether this is actually true or not, who knows? But I overcompensate.

And then I felt ridiculous for being supersitioius/unfounded in my feelings (because I'm usually pragmatic) and it made me feel bad. I didn't have a meltdown or a complete hissy fit, but I did attempt to binge/purge and, like the forever failure that I am, I fell asleep after just a bowl of ramen. Score! My body went into auto-shutdown mode to prevent serious damage.

So, that's basically it. Oh yeah, I'd been giving my husband a hard time/not playing nice/not intentionally ignoring him the last few days, and then yesterday while I was out, my phone wasn't updating his emails (remember, I cut him off so he can only email me so he can't trigger me or get under my skin). I missed a few of his messages and when I finally did see them, I was in the throes of my eating mania and blurted out that I felt bad for throwing away money like that again, and surprisingly, he just said: you did a nice thing. Treat yourself to something good too and don't worry.

Hold up, who are you? And what did you do with my dense slug of a husband? *pause* I guess everyone has their moments, huh? :-| Whatever, he's leaving for China next week and just told me he'll in fact have to go to Shanghai after all, so who knows what he's up to or what's going on with that. Dunno, don't particularly care. Just come back and keep your job, dude.

Well, that wasn't a particularly short summary of my day's foolishness, but it was thorough!

Now, I can go ceremoniously and symbolically purge and finally get some sleep within the next hour. Which is stupid, cos the gym opens in 90 mins...sigh...

A New Month, A New Me!

Ha ha, just kidding! I'm still a fat mess, but at least I'm trying and figuring out how to manage my rotten ways and ridiculous, disordered eating, right?

See, what it boils down to is I'm an over-achiever...a "Type A" I guess is what they like to label folks with my personality traits. I don't like to be told what to do, I need to micro-manage, and I'm always looking for better and pushing myself to be the best. But the thing that makes me slightly different is I'm not competitive - I don't give a flying fuck what my peers are doing really and I don't want to necessarily have their lives or out do anyone or be better than another person.

Because really, who knows what someone is going through on the inside or what one's life is like behind those closed doors? If someone were to look at my fat ass, they'd think I was very fortunate, with an enviable situation and appealing (enough) body and desirable aspects to my life. They'd be right on the surface I guess but the daily torment/back-and-forth I put myself through is such shyte, I mean, who would really trade their lives for mine if they knew how I really am?

Anyway, what was I babbling about? Oh yes, I've tried kicking my vomiting cold-turkey. It lasted for a few days, then almost a few weeks, but I started again once a day and then I had to just stop eating altogether. I can't with the vomiting. It's tiring, and my allergies are acting up and it fucks with my throat so badly. Plus, I always try and grow my nails out a little as a deterrent from poking around my esophagus and I don't feel like ripping them off again so no more eating which equals no purging. Well, that's the plan, anyway...

But yeah, after being triggered by my husband's perverse, teenage-fucking ways and filing our taxes jointly (for the last time, I swear!), I've been very truthful to myself about my failed relationships and mommy/daddy/guilt issues and I have a plan of attack (kind of) in mind so I'm just chilling out, shopping too much, and trying to be social at least once a week before I finally head over to Tokyo.

I get it: life can be shitty and usually is for a majority of the world's population. Am I going to keep complaining and wallowing in my own fat and failure or am I going to reclaim my philosophy of "fuck the rest, just do your best" and fight for my own version of happiness? If you know me by now, I think you'll know the answer to that question...

Feeling Fat...And Happy(Happier?)

As you might already know from my unfiltered tweets from the past 3 months or so, I had a big, fat, slimy toad clinging to my back and weighing me down for way too long - I finally kicked that nasty creature to the curb and instantly felt immeasurably better. It was great! Suddenly, the whole world just seemed a little brighter and I honestly felt like I could *feel* it and notice a visible change. It was great to finally be free of something that had been making you so unhappy for so long. I had been stressing out about it because I was too embarrassed to go into the details at first for fear that people were too stupid to listen to the whole story and just judge me that I was in the middle of a bitter lawsuit.

Then I remembered I really didn't care what people thought and I wanted it to be known that this sleazebag existed and to publicly shame him and not myself in the process. Wasn't that the whole reason I was doing this? To stand up for my rights and not let this piece of shit continue to get away with ripping people off, deliver some justice in my own little way? Once I let a few people know (if asked) what was going on, I felt better, but still anxious because of the uncertainty and the factors that were out of my control. But, I was able to get the desired outcome and necessary validation and so my mood improved. This bastard represented my disappointment in Hawaii and frustrations in life and to close that chapter finally is a great feeling.

Now I have no reason to binge and purge because of stress and my inability to cope with the strain of the trial. I should be going to the gym and working on getting tiny...so why am I fatter than I've been in a few weeks? My excuse could be that I wanted to "relax" and "enjoy my victory" or some shit like that, but really I'm just lazy, let's face it. I eat still with the intention of purging, just maybe not as soon as I'd like. And I'm eating far less than an all-out-mega purge: just a bit of cereal and ramen and still under the daily recommended intake (of course). But I still wake up in the middle of the night, disappointed that I ate, stay up for 5 or 6 hours reading and subconsciously fretting about not purging immediately, and then finally around sun up or maybe even after dawn, I'll chug some water and just yack a little bit of something up so I can get a wink (30 mins maybe? If I'm lucky) of sleep and start my day.

This isn't what I'd like. I don't mind staying up, but not because I'm worrying about getting progressively fatter every day. And it's all water weight. At least I can sweat it out and I know exactly how many hours it'll take to do so. The hardest part is always starting to do what you need to do and stopping the shit that you shouldn't have been doing to begin with. But, with Tokyo on the horizon, I really don't have a choice. I refuse to go to that country big, fat, and wretched. Hells no! I'm going to be a tall whisp of a thing and blow everyone's mind who seems me.

Or something like that! ^_^

Still Here, Never Stopped.

I have the link to this blog right on my bookmarks bar...I look at it every fracken day and chide myself for not taking just a moment to say something, anything, and not let this corner of the internet collect e-cobwebs. Since nobody says anything on Twatter or in the comments section, I honestly didn't think anyone even ever came on here anymore and just let it fall into disuse. I was genuinely surprised to see activity behind-the-scenes this month - new year's gumption making people consider my crazy tactics worth reading? Hah hah, let me stop flattering myself...

Anywho, I had my phone held hostage from new year's day after work until 4 days later when I had already bought the upgraded model. Some bitch held on to it and took her sweet time turning it in to someone else to get back to me - can you believe that? I can! People are ridiculous. I only bring it up again because I had a few random pictures from 2011 when I was at what I think (if I remember correctly) was my LW and I finally posted them to compare with now. I guess I'm about the same, but in my mind I was near death! Crazy what the body adapts to, hm? And it just further confirms the statement that memory is subjective and not to be trusted :-| I'm going to transfer all the pics and sell my old phone. I had considered using it as an over-sized mp3 player for the steam room, but I'd rather get the cash. *kanye shrug*

What else? I attempted one of my "epic binges" after abstaining from forcing myself to vomit pounds of liquid and unwanted food for an entire week - what...a...letdown! I didn't get much in (about an "average" meal) and knew I should have just kept starving. But it was more of a symbolic kind of purging anyway - I had to be sure that the highs I would get from eating were gone and that my restricting had replaced those endorphin releasing habits in my life. Happy to say it has! My swollen face and irritated scale are also overjoyed and I have no intention of over-eating as long as I have my wits about me. Do you know how exhausting it is to throw up all the time? Always cold then sleepy and hungry minutes after. Ugh! If I just stay empty, my body finally gets tired of grumbling and starts to eat itself or whatever it does.

Well, I'm going to check in on my days off, at the very least. Between this, Twatter, and tumblr, I think I'm more than preoccupied to avoid eating and to keep losing weight. Once I get down to 100 I swear I can drink and eat and do all that "normal" shit again. I said it before and I mean it (more or less): I'm trying to live happier and not die miserably. I pity any fool that dares get in my way....