...and try to be a little more positive and just a little lighter than the day before, and somehow the weeks fly by. Do I want my months to be a blur of weight loss and steam and pounds lost and gained? Not necessarily but you can't (or can you?) have it all. There are only so many hours in the day and between juggling work and my future and trying to safely and somewhat rationally get down to where I'd like to be in terms of weight, it doesn't leave much energy or time for me to do much else.
Anyway, I just wanted to jot down a little bit and thoughts on what's been going on. I'd like to keep things going nicely like this: wake up early, get a lot done, drink a little bit and restrict without going nuts, and just feel less like I'm being controlled by my ED and more like I have some say in what's going on in my life.
We'll see how long these good feelings last. I'm not trying to be skeptical or cynical, just practical.
Showing posts with label i've got to admit it's getting better. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i've got to admit it's getting better. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Feeling Fat...And Happy(Happier?)
As you might already know from my unfiltered tweets from the past 3 months or so, I had a big, fat, slimy toad clinging to my back and weighing me down for way too long - I finally kicked that nasty creature to the curb and instantly felt immeasurably better. It was great! Suddenly, the whole world just seemed a little brighter and I honestly felt like I could *feel* it and notice a visible change. It was great to finally be free of something that had been making you so unhappy for so long. I had been stressing out about it because I was too embarrassed to go into the details at first for fear that people were too stupid to listen to the whole story and just judge me that I was in the middle of a bitter lawsuit.
Then I remembered I really didn't care what people thought and I wanted it to be known that this sleazebag existed and to publicly shame him and not myself in the process. Wasn't that the whole reason I was doing this? To stand up for my rights and not let this piece of shit continue to get away with ripping people off, deliver some justice in my own little way? Once I let a few people know (if asked) what was going on, I felt better, but still anxious because of the uncertainty and the factors that were out of my control. But, I was able to get the desired outcome and necessary validation and so my mood improved. This bastard represented my disappointment in Hawaii and frustrations in life and to close that chapter finally is a great feeling.
Now I have no reason to binge and purge because of stress and my inability to cope with the strain of the trial. I should be going to the gym and working on getting tiny...so why am I fatter than I've been in a few weeks? My excuse could be that I wanted to "relax" and "enjoy my victory" or some shit like that, but really I'm just lazy, let's face it. I eat still with the intention of purging, just maybe not as soon as I'd like. And I'm eating far less than an all-out-mega purge: just a bit of cereal and ramen and still under the daily recommended intake (of course). But I still wake up in the middle of the night, disappointed that I ate, stay up for 5 or 6 hours reading and subconsciously fretting about not purging immediately, and then finally around sun up or maybe even after dawn, I'll chug some water and just yack a little bit of something up so I can get a wink (30 mins maybe? If I'm lucky) of sleep and start my day.
This isn't what I'd like. I don't mind staying up, but not because I'm worrying about getting progressively fatter every day. And it's all water weight. At least I can sweat it out and I know exactly how many hours it'll take to do so. The hardest part is always starting to do what you need to do and stopping the shit that you shouldn't have been doing to begin with. But, with Tokyo on the horizon, I really don't have a choice. I refuse to go to that country big, fat, and wretched. Hells no! I'm going to be a tall whisp of a thing and blow everyone's mind who seems me.
Or something like that! ^_^
Then I remembered I really didn't care what people thought and I wanted it to be known that this sleazebag existed and to publicly shame him and not myself in the process. Wasn't that the whole reason I was doing this? To stand up for my rights and not let this piece of shit continue to get away with ripping people off, deliver some justice in my own little way? Once I let a few people know (if asked) what was going on, I felt better, but still anxious because of the uncertainty and the factors that were out of my control. But, I was able to get the desired outcome and necessary validation and so my mood improved. This bastard represented my disappointment in Hawaii and frustrations in life and to close that chapter finally is a great feeling.
Now I have no reason to binge and purge because of stress and my inability to cope with the strain of the trial. I should be going to the gym and working on getting tiny...so why am I fatter than I've been in a few weeks? My excuse could be that I wanted to "relax" and "enjoy my victory" or some shit like that, but really I'm just lazy, let's face it. I eat still with the intention of purging, just maybe not as soon as I'd like. And I'm eating far less than an all-out-mega purge: just a bit of cereal and ramen and still under the daily recommended intake (of course). But I still wake up in the middle of the night, disappointed that I ate, stay up for 5 or 6 hours reading and subconsciously fretting about not purging immediately, and then finally around sun up or maybe even after dawn, I'll chug some water and just yack a little bit of something up so I can get a wink (30 mins maybe? If I'm lucky) of sleep and start my day.
This isn't what I'd like. I don't mind staying up, but not because I'm worrying about getting progressively fatter every day. And it's all water weight. At least I can sweat it out and I know exactly how many hours it'll take to do so. The hardest part is always starting to do what you need to do and stopping the shit that you shouldn't have been doing to begin with. But, with Tokyo on the horizon, I really don't have a choice. I refuse to go to that country big, fat, and wretched. Hells no! I'm going to be a tall whisp of a thing and blow everyone's mind who seems me.
Or something like that! ^_^
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