...and try to be a little more positive and just a little lighter than the day before, and somehow the weeks fly by. Do I want my months to be a blur of weight loss and steam and pounds lost and gained? Not necessarily but you can't (or can you?) have it all. There are only so many hours in the day and between juggling work and my future and trying to safely and somewhat rationally get down to where I'd like to be in terms of weight, it doesn't leave much energy or time for me to do much else.
Anyway, I just wanted to jot down a little bit and thoughts on what's been going on. I'd like to keep things going nicely like this: wake up early, get a lot done, drink a little bit and restrict without going nuts, and just feel less like I'm being controlled by my ED and more like I have some say in what's going on in my life.
We'll see how long these good feelings last. I'm not trying to be skeptical or cynical, just practical.
Showing posts with label move scale move. Show all posts
Showing posts with label move scale move. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Still Here, Never Stopped.
I have the link to this blog right on my bookmarks bar...I look at it every fracken day and chide myself for not taking just a moment to say something, anything, and not let this corner of the internet collect e-cobwebs. Since nobody says anything on Twatter or in the comments section, I honestly didn't think anyone even ever came on here anymore and just let it fall into disuse. I was genuinely surprised to see activity behind-the-scenes this month - new year's gumption making people consider my crazy tactics worth reading? Hah hah, let me stop flattering myself...
Anywho, I had my phone held hostage from new year's day after work until 4 days later when I had already bought the upgraded model. Some bitch held on to it and took her sweet time turning it in to someone else to get back to me - can you believe that? I can! People are ridiculous. I only bring it up again because I had a few random pictures from 2011 when I was at what I think (if I remember correctly) was my LW and I finally posted them to compare with now. I guess I'm about the same, but in my mind I was near death! Crazy what the body adapts to, hm? And it just further confirms the statement that memory is subjective and not to be trusted :-| I'm going to transfer all the pics and sell my old phone. I had considered using it as an over-sized mp3 player for the steam room, but I'd rather get the cash. *kanye shrug*
What else? I attempted one of my "epic binges" after abstaining from forcing myself to vomit pounds of liquid and unwanted food for an entire week - what...a...letdown! I didn't get much in (about an "average" meal) and knew I should have just kept starving. But it was more of a symbolic kind of purging anyway - I had to be sure that the highs I would get from eating were gone and that my restricting had replaced those endorphin releasing habits in my life. Happy to say it has! My swollen face and irritated scale are also overjoyed and I have no intention of over-eating as long as I have my wits about me. Do you know how exhausting it is to throw up all the time? Always cold then sleepy and hungry minutes after. Ugh! If I just stay empty, my body finally gets tired of grumbling and starts to eat itself or whatever it does.
Well, I'm going to check in on my days off, at the very least. Between this, Twatter, and tumblr, I think I'm more than preoccupied to avoid eating and to keep losing weight. Once I get down to 100 I swear I can drink and eat and do all that "normal" shit again. I said it before and I mean it (more or less): I'm trying to live happier and not die miserably. I pity any fool that dares get in my way....
Anywho, I had my phone held hostage from new year's day after work until 4 days later when I had already bought the upgraded model. Some bitch held on to it and took her sweet time turning it in to someone else to get back to me - can you believe that? I can! People are ridiculous. I only bring it up again because I had a few random pictures from 2011 when I was at what I think (if I remember correctly) was my LW and I finally posted them to compare with now. I guess I'm about the same, but in my mind I was near death! Crazy what the body adapts to, hm? And it just further confirms the statement that memory is subjective and not to be trusted :-| I'm going to transfer all the pics and sell my old phone. I had considered using it as an over-sized mp3 player for the steam room, but I'd rather get the cash. *kanye shrug*
What else? I attempted one of my "epic binges" after abstaining from forcing myself to vomit pounds of liquid and unwanted food for an entire week - what...a...letdown! I didn't get much in (about an "average" meal) and knew I should have just kept starving. But it was more of a symbolic kind of purging anyway - I had to be sure that the highs I would get from eating were gone and that my restricting had replaced those endorphin releasing habits in my life. Happy to say it has! My swollen face and irritated scale are also overjoyed and I have no intention of over-eating as long as I have my wits about me. Do you know how exhausting it is to throw up all the time? Always cold then sleepy and hungry minutes after. Ugh! If I just stay empty, my body finally gets tired of grumbling and starts to eat itself or whatever it does.
Well, I'm going to check in on my days off, at the very least. Between this, Twatter, and tumblr, I think I'm more than preoccupied to avoid eating and to keep losing weight. Once I get down to 100 I swear I can drink and eat and do all that "normal" shit again. I said it before and I mean it (more or less): I'm trying to live happier and not die miserably. I pity any fool that dares get in my way....
Monday, November 19, 2012
Days Off Are Tough
Since I have no friends and have momentarily given up on getting anything that I want in life so I can focus my energy on just not jumping off my hotel room's balcony, needless to say I've got quite a bit of free time on my hands and this makes it hard to a) not sleep all day and b) not eat all day. Ideally I should just lock myself in the steam room for 8 hours and be done with it all but I have to remember that it is not *my* private little torture chamber and really I don't have a right to get snippy at all the other people poking about, wondering how I can stay inside for so long.
So I steamed last night and early this morning and have just been locked inside my room, which (for now) is safe because I have nothing to eat or drink (other than a bottle of beer and 2 bottles of champagne) and don't want to miss any of these dysfunctional fuck ups' stories on television. It's a super whack way to spend one's time, I know, but whatever. Who really knows what's going on behind all these other closed doors anyway? Plus, there's been a nasty wave of vog hanging around the island that's fucking killing my sinuses/throat. It's been so irritated I cut down my puking (meh, for like a day or two) because I couldn't deal with how it was affecting my voice.
You know what's horrible? I eat out of boredom. I don't know what else to do with myself and it gives me a routine: get up to get the food, agonize over what to eat (is it spicy? How will it taste coming back up? Will I absorb the salt/fat quickly? How fast will I digest it? Etc.), eat eat eat, feel defeated/lethargic/comatose, battle with myself about throwing up, finally throw up, feel cold and crawl under the covers and wonder why I continue to waste money like this. But I know exactly how it got this bad: I'm lonely and have no outlet for my feelings or frustrations. Nobody wants to hear about another person's shit because chances are they have their own and really can't be bothered to take on some new burden. I get it. People are very self-centered these days...isolating ourselves to the point of madness in the way that we don't care about those around us. We see suffering and misery every day and are just numb to it. Heck, I'm numb to my own pathetic life to the point where it doesn't even seem real.
Anyway, time to weigh myself for the 7th time today. Maybe I magically lost another pound somehow through sighing and willing myself to be back down to a 00. I just really want my legs to be 18 inches again. How I let them get so fat (left is 19" and the right is fucking 19.5" like wtf you can't even be symmetrical in your failure??) is beyond me and a testament to what I loser I am but I'm trying. I've seen how far I can push myself, I know how low I can go and I'm nowhere close. I need to stop the bullshit and keep going to the steam room and just sit for at least an hour a day. No excuses, just results.
So I steamed last night and early this morning and have just been locked inside my room, which (for now) is safe because I have nothing to eat or drink (other than a bottle of beer and 2 bottles of champagne) and don't want to miss any of these dysfunctional fuck ups' stories on television. It's a super whack way to spend one's time, I know, but whatever. Who really knows what's going on behind all these other closed doors anyway? Plus, there's been a nasty wave of vog hanging around the island that's fucking killing my sinuses/throat. It's been so irritated I cut down my puking (meh, for like a day or two) because I couldn't deal with how it was affecting my voice.
You know what's horrible? I eat out of boredom. I don't know what else to do with myself and it gives me a routine: get up to get the food, agonize over what to eat (is it spicy? How will it taste coming back up? Will I absorb the salt/fat quickly? How fast will I digest it? Etc.), eat eat eat, feel defeated/lethargic/comatose, battle with myself about throwing up, finally throw up, feel cold and crawl under the covers and wonder why I continue to waste money like this. But I know exactly how it got this bad: I'm lonely and have no outlet for my feelings or frustrations. Nobody wants to hear about another person's shit because chances are they have their own and really can't be bothered to take on some new burden. I get it. People are very self-centered these days...isolating ourselves to the point of madness in the way that we don't care about those around us. We see suffering and misery every day and are just numb to it. Heck, I'm numb to my own pathetic life to the point where it doesn't even seem real.
Anyway, time to weigh myself for the 7th time today. Maybe I magically lost another pound somehow through sighing and willing myself to be back down to a 00. I just really want my legs to be 18 inches again. How I let them get so fat (left is 19" and the right is fucking 19.5" like wtf you can't even be symmetrical in your failure??) is beyond me and a testament to what I loser I am but I'm trying. I've seen how far I can push myself, I know how low I can go and I'm nowhere close. I need to stop the bullshit and keep going to the steam room and just sit for at least an hour a day. No excuses, just results.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Failure, Party of One?
Didn't reach 110.
Binged on soy milk and am now even further away.
Hope I pee it out and can starve enough the next week while the gym is closed not to gain.
Will start walking again, starting tomorrow (at least 5 miles during the hottest part of the day to sweat the most, in my long underwear, 3 layers, etc.)
HWSNN was kicked out tonight for seriously looking me dead in the eye and trying to convince me to give him a year to fucking cheat on me. Oh, how I wish I could post his fat face all over the internet and shame him and his disgusting parents for raising such a base, selfish, miserable little cunt of a human being.
Whatever, next time I feel like binging, let me not forget how disgusting he is and how sick of this life I am and keep my fucking mouth shut. I couldn't even binge a pound tonight, I was just to tired/sick of it all.
Oh, did I mention he keeps telling me about one of his stupid Chinese friend (who's probably racist and spoke shit about me like the rest of them all did when I wasn't around) who wants to invest in American stocks? Why the *fuck* would I help this loser any more than I already have, or his dumbass friend that I don't even know? Do these idiots have no fucking shame? Two days in a row he's brought this investing shit up, I just told him to let me have a moment to clear my head, I just had a crappy day. How much more selfish can a pig get?? How many of his dumb cocksucking friends have I helped only to find out they've said so much racist shit about me and never to hear from them/have a smidgen of appreciation shown towards me at all? Fuck that and fuck them and fuck him for letting them think I'm just here to be used by everyone.
And that's all, folks! I really have nothing useful to say. I was late to work today because I couldn't get out of bed, went to the gym late, and still didn't even move the goddam scale. Bad day all around ended on a predictable low note.
Wake me up when I'm dead, ok? Thanks.
Binged on soy milk and am now even further away.
Hope I pee it out and can starve enough the next week while the gym is closed not to gain.
Will start walking again, starting tomorrow (at least 5 miles during the hottest part of the day to sweat the most, in my long underwear, 3 layers, etc.)
HWSNN was kicked out tonight for seriously looking me dead in the eye and trying to convince me to give him a year to fucking cheat on me. Oh, how I wish I could post his fat face all over the internet and shame him and his disgusting parents for raising such a base, selfish, miserable little cunt of a human being.
Whatever, next time I feel like binging, let me not forget how disgusting he is and how sick of this life I am and keep my fucking mouth shut. I couldn't even binge a pound tonight, I was just to tired/sick of it all.
Oh, did I mention he keeps telling me about one of his stupid Chinese friend (who's probably racist and spoke shit about me like the rest of them all did when I wasn't around) who wants to invest in American stocks? Why the *fuck* would I help this loser any more than I already have, or his dumbass friend that I don't even know? Do these idiots have no fucking shame? Two days in a row he's brought this investing shit up, I just told him to let me have a moment to clear my head, I just had a crappy day. How much more selfish can a pig get?? How many of his dumb cocksucking friends have I helped only to find out they've said so much racist shit about me and never to hear from them/have a smidgen of appreciation shown towards me at all? Fuck that and fuck them and fuck him for letting them think I'm just here to be used by everyone.
And that's all, folks! I really have nothing useful to say. I was late to work today because I couldn't get out of bed, went to the gym late, and still didn't even move the goddam scale. Bad day all around ended on a predictable low note.
Wake me up when I'm dead, ok? Thanks.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Binged on Popsicles - Dammit All!
And that's why I'm not 110 by now. Damn shame. There's 1 more day before August is over. Gonna wake up and put in my time and try not to pass out at work. I was so cold today, I didn't wear any tights, so my toes and chest were exposed and I just felt a little worn thin. My mouth was so dry from talking about stupid bullshit products that I neither care about nor would I myself even buy (stupid, overpriced material shit) that I had to rinse it out several times.
I binged during lunch because I was sitting out in the sun with sweatpants on under my dress (grabbed them from my bag) and it just felt so good. I didn't freak out though, because I ended up peeing it out later. But I was disappointed in myself because I didn't put in the hours/effort today in the evening. Whenever I cheat or don't push myself, the Almighty Scale knows and punishes me by not moving. It's ok though, there's still time tomorrow morning. I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I just drank some water and had twice as many pops as I should have (had to take a Centrium, my feet have been cramping intermittently since this afternoon).
Oh, and as expected, HWSNN is acting like a petulant child. Television's so loud again, I couldn't even follow what I was writing just now (hope it makes sense) and picking little fights. I just can't stand him. He's so selfish and negative. And he knows I know he's going out of his way to be as annoying as possible, trying to push my buttons and shit. Doesn't he realize, his stupid dick antics just fuel me to keep going and not fuck this up? Thanks, asshole. You're just the reminder I need as to why I keep this up so I can take my frustrations out somehow...I may not be the happiest, but I can keep trying to be the thinnest.
I binged during lunch because I was sitting out in the sun with sweatpants on under my dress (grabbed them from my bag) and it just felt so good. I didn't freak out though, because I ended up peeing it out later. But I was disappointed in myself because I didn't put in the hours/effort today in the evening. Whenever I cheat or don't push myself, the Almighty Scale knows and punishes me by not moving. It's ok though, there's still time tomorrow morning. I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I just drank some water and had twice as many pops as I should have (had to take a Centrium, my feet have been cramping intermittently since this afternoon).
Oh, and as expected, HWSNN is acting like a petulant child. Television's so loud again, I couldn't even follow what I was writing just now (hope it makes sense) and picking little fights. I just can't stand him. He's so selfish and negative. And he knows I know he's going out of his way to be as annoying as possible, trying to push my buttons and shit. Doesn't he realize, his stupid dick antics just fuel me to keep going and not fuck this up? Thanks, asshole. You're just the reminder I need as to why I keep this up so I can take my frustrations out somehow...I may not be the happiest, but I can keep trying to be the thinnest.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Return of the Choco Beast!
Yes, yes, it's been an entire MONTH since I posted something. And don't think I forgot or overlooked it or didn't want to. I thought about it every day, but was going so up and down that I just couldn't bring myself to write about anything. Who am I to sit here and preach about "skinny or die, mother suckaaaa!" if I took a fucking "break" for 2 or 3 days and let myself get back up to 120.
Oh shit, fat's out of the bag now isn't it? Yup, I ate like a donkey - Mongolian barbeque and Mrs. Field's mini cookies for you Curious Cathys - and didn't purge because I didn't fucking feel like it. Also, because HWSNN got me a new laptop that I was in dire need of and had been dreaming about for some time now (not this particular one, because it's actually bigger than my last one, which makes me feel like I'm in a way bigger and needed something to accomodate my fat fingers/self, but that's for another post). That day I had been in heels for hours, walking around at work, then spending several more hours walking around trying to decide which machine to get, I was so famished. Combine physical exhaustion with HWSNN's pestering of never seeing me eat anything, I just gave in and *devoured* that spicy goodness, oh gawd.
Anyway anyway, lets not rehash the past. I ate and I enjoyed it for a second and felt bad and let it continue until I got up to 120 and nearly committed seppuku right there in the hotel bathroom because I undid how many weeks of working out in just how many days? Really Choco? *This* is your idea of "Fat Free" by eating half the food court in one evening? Oh hellz no!
So I vaguely admitted my transgressions on Twatter and vowed to get things under control. I never like to mention specific foods or anything, so I don't trigger anyone (I haaaaaaaaate those fat bitches that not only can't stop themselves from eating, but can't stop themselves from tweeting about all the nasty shit they just inhaled! Seriously? Why are you trying to drag the rest of us down with you??? Just say you binged and keep it moving! Don't go into detail about how the food was prepared and *ugh* go so far to post pics! Fat fuckers >:(
What was I saying? Yeah, so I've given up purging until at least after the gym is open again (it'll be closed from the 1st through the 8th for "renovations" read: because the staff is lazy and just wants time off. I bet not a damn fucking thing will be different) mainly because I am sick of it and I don't even want to eat. Two very good reasons, right? I waste so much time heaving my innards up and out that I could be relaxing in bed or doing whatever it is my ass wants, not doubled over some disgusting hole used to collect fecal matter and urine. Also, if I eat *anything* I immediately look at the time, see how long I have left until my body absorbs the damage, and count down if I can make it safely or not to get it out. Beyond crazy and obsessive. I don't want to do that anymore. But this is the case for any and everything I consume - nuts, fruit, liquids. Liquids are not air, people. They will show up on the scale!
Oh yes, I've given up my stupid lax tea for the time being (read: it's been about a week) because that shit was just adding water weight and not really moving shit - no pun intended. So what's a Mia to do to get her hydration fix? I discovered the wonderful world of popsicles! But not the fatty fat American kind that are XXL and full of sugar and milk or juice and shit. I'm talk the micro mini kind (like under 30 ml) from Japan that are more colored frozen water than anything. Amaaazing! I can have 5 in a day and it's not showing up on the scale enough for me to lose my shit. Ok, what's .2 lb really matter anyway? The alternative is me trying to only have a can of Rock* and not let it open the floodgates is always very slim. Regardless, I'd put back on the pound I just sweat out in the gym, and hate myself for the rest of the day. These ice pops are amazing and something different that helps me regulate what's going in me. And I'm still hydrated enough to trickle something out at regular intervals and when I wake up. Last thing I need is me passing out 'cos of dehydration, or even worse, dying out of the blue and I'm still big! I'd have nothing to show for all the shit I've been putting myself through, and the coroner would just be like: well, that was a waste. Her thighs are still huge!
So, anyway, I'm back and I'm skinny again. I as 113.8 before (barely 113 but I claimed that shit proudly!) and now I'm 113.4 and I haven't been purging every day, so I'm pleased. I got 3 new kinds of popsicles today: one is foul (I'll let HWSNN devour those), one is so so (only if I'm desperate), and one is great but has pieces of fruit in it :-| Whyyy! I don't want food sitting in my intestines, piling up and adding to my weight before I hit 105. Shit! There are only 5 in the box, thankfully, so I won't get this kind again for a few weeks. I know this is beyond looney tunes but a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do. I want to get back to restricting and stop this purging altogether. Let me finish August strong and actually try and enjoy September. It's not Mission: Impossible and I know I can do it if I remain strong. One day, one step, one pound closer to what I want...
Oh shit, fat's out of the bag now isn't it? Yup, I ate like a donkey - Mongolian barbeque and Mrs. Field's mini cookies for you Curious Cathys - and didn't purge because I didn't fucking feel like it. Also, because HWSNN got me a new laptop that I was in dire need of and had been dreaming about for some time now (not this particular one, because it's actually bigger than my last one, which makes me feel like I'm in a way bigger and needed something to accomodate my fat fingers/self, but that's for another post). That day I had been in heels for hours, walking around at work, then spending several more hours walking around trying to decide which machine to get, I was so famished. Combine physical exhaustion with HWSNN's pestering of never seeing me eat anything, I just gave in and *devoured* that spicy goodness, oh gawd.
Anyway anyway, lets not rehash the past. I ate and I enjoyed it for a second and felt bad and let it continue until I got up to 120 and nearly committed seppuku right there in the hotel bathroom because I undid how many weeks of working out in just how many days? Really Choco? *This* is your idea of "Fat Free" by eating half the food court in one evening? Oh hellz no!
So I vaguely admitted my transgressions on Twatter and vowed to get things under control. I never like to mention specific foods or anything, so I don't trigger anyone (I haaaaaaaaate those fat bitches that not only can't stop themselves from eating, but can't stop themselves from tweeting about all the nasty shit they just inhaled! Seriously? Why are you trying to drag the rest of us down with you??? Just say you binged and keep it moving! Don't go into detail about how the food was prepared and *ugh* go so far to post pics! Fat fuckers >:(
What was I saying? Yeah, so I've given up purging until at least after the gym is open again (it'll be closed from the 1st through the 8th for "renovations" read: because the staff is lazy and just wants time off. I bet not a damn fucking thing will be different) mainly because I am sick of it and I don't even want to eat. Two very good reasons, right? I waste so much time heaving my innards up and out that I could be relaxing in bed or doing whatever it is my ass wants, not doubled over some disgusting hole used to collect fecal matter and urine. Also, if I eat *anything* I immediately look at the time, see how long I have left until my body absorbs the damage, and count down if I can make it safely or not to get it out. Beyond crazy and obsessive. I don't want to do that anymore. But this is the case for any and everything I consume - nuts, fruit, liquids. Liquids are not air, people. They will show up on the scale!
Oh yes, I've given up my stupid lax tea for the time being (read: it's been about a week) because that shit was just adding water weight and not really moving shit - no pun intended. So what's a Mia to do to get her hydration fix? I discovered the wonderful world of popsicles! But not the fatty fat American kind that are XXL and full of sugar and milk or juice and shit. I'm talk the micro mini kind (like under 30 ml) from Japan that are more colored frozen water than anything. Amaaazing! I can have 5 in a day and it's not showing up on the scale enough for me to lose my shit. Ok, what's .2 lb really matter anyway? The alternative is me trying to only have a can of Rock* and not let it open the floodgates is always very slim. Regardless, I'd put back on the pound I just sweat out in the gym, and hate myself for the rest of the day. These ice pops are amazing and something different that helps me regulate what's going in me. And I'm still hydrated enough to trickle something out at regular intervals and when I wake up. Last thing I need is me passing out 'cos of dehydration, or even worse, dying out of the blue and I'm still big! I'd have nothing to show for all the shit I've been putting myself through, and the coroner would just be like: well, that was a waste. Her thighs are still huge!
So, anyway, I'm back and I'm skinny again. I as 113.8 before (barely 113 but I claimed that shit proudly!) and now I'm 113.4 and I haven't been purging every day, so I'm pleased. I got 3 new kinds of popsicles today: one is foul (I'll let HWSNN devour those), one is so so (only if I'm desperate), and one is great but has pieces of fruit in it :-| Whyyy! I don't want food sitting in my intestines, piling up and adding to my weight before I hit 105. Shit! There are only 5 in the box, thankfully, so I won't get this kind again for a few weeks. I know this is beyond looney tunes but a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do. I want to get back to restricting and stop this purging altogether. Let me finish August strong and actually try and enjoy September. It's not Mission: Impossible and I know I can do it if I remain strong. One day, one step, one pound closer to what I want...
Friday, July 22, 2011
Feeling Grumpy + Cold
I feel like HWSNN won't fucking shut the fuck up today - talking on and on and on about fucking nothing and getting on my last fucking nerve! He's beyond annoying! Every time I'm trying to do anything, he just opens his mouth so he can hear himself talk (literally, no exaggeration) and I can't even concentrate on whether to drink this or that, order this or that, purge now or in two minutes. Plus, I've started to let him drive because I'm fucking tired as shit all the time, and every time he's behind the wheel, I feel myself on the verge of having a heart attack. He never fucking listens! Just now, we were almost swiped by a truck and I'm sure his ass didn't even get why or realize the gravity of colliding with a semi. Of course, I would be the one ripped to shreds because it was on my side that he was drifting, just to keep that in mind. Maybe he's secretly trying to off me with all this bad driving, make it seem like an accident...hm...
Anyway, I'm in a foul as fuck mood because I spent all that time in the gym today only to get down to 118.2 That's the rate I used to be losing but once I decided to make up and try and do double time, I've been losing at least 1.x lbs so I see a different number every day. This is just what I was dreading would happen: the effort I put in is no longer enough, I'm already giving it my all, and my weight loss starts to stall. 118. 1 fucking 18. Would it have killed my body to sweat just a little more so I could see 117 today and know that I'm that much further from 120? My day feels like it was wasted (might as well eat that whole truck of food, pass the tabasco, please) and it makes me angry and nobody in particular. Other than myself.
On top of that, I crave everything over ice, so I have less of it and so I don't chug it, but that shit lowers my body temperature faster than a skinny can say "Splenda instead of sugar, please!" I'm always FREEZING after I rehydrate and stay FREEZING until I can pile on my boots and coat and sweater and whatever else, then I'm PISSED that I wasted time trying to plan a cute outfit or wear this skimpy top/dress that shows off my small arms because no one can even see them under all these goddamm layers - what's the fricken point??? Ugh, just thinking about how today was such a disappointment seems to have raised my body temperature (I'm wearing two coats and typing like the world's about to end so that may also have something to do with it) slightly, so that's nice. Let me try and be positive - I wore this bright yellow jumper in an effort to cheer myself up and I'm probably the most irritable I've been in a while. All because I couldn't sweat out .4 more lbs before I went and ate/purged. So fucking lame.
Oh yeah, I really wanted to pamper myself a bit before going to this crappy club tonight, but HWSNN insisted on eating, and all the spas closed by the time that was done. Marvelous. Then it was too late to squeeze basketball in - fantastic! I'm not going to waste anymore time bitching on here. Clubs close so goddam early over here (1:30, are you kidding me!!!) that I want to get there early and be the only one shaking my (newly) flat ass on the dancefloor if necessary, because I have to make up for today's string of disappointments. Oh gawd, what will I wear? I don't want to wear something skimpy, I want to be covered head to toe and just sweat my life out! But that shit isn't cute! Ah, l'sigh. I'm not going to stress though. Everyone's busted and beyond fat/sloppy in this town. By me showing up in something other than pajamas is an automatic placement at the top of the best dressed list, no lie.
I *must* be in constant motion tonight and sweat like nobody's business ('cos it's not) and I *must* make it to 2 classes tomorrow: Total Core/Shaping/Fusion/Some bullshit and Aqua Athletics or whatever it's called to make up for today. Almighty Scale, show mercy and fucking let me see 117 tomorrow, I implore you! Your humble servant can only take so much, wah~
Anyway, I'm in a foul as fuck mood because I spent all that time in the gym today only to get down to 118.2 That's the rate I used to be losing but once I decided to make up and try and do double time, I've been losing at least 1.x lbs so I see a different number every day. This is just what I was dreading would happen: the effort I put in is no longer enough, I'm already giving it my all, and my weight loss starts to stall. 118. 1 fucking 18. Would it have killed my body to sweat just a little more so I could see 117 today and know that I'm that much further from 120? My day feels like it was wasted (might as well eat that whole truck of food, pass the tabasco, please) and it makes me angry and nobody in particular. Other than myself.
On top of that, I crave everything over ice, so I have less of it and so I don't chug it, but that shit lowers my body temperature faster than a skinny can say "Splenda instead of sugar, please!" I'm always FREEZING after I rehydrate and stay FREEZING until I can pile on my boots and coat and sweater and whatever else, then I'm PISSED that I wasted time trying to plan a cute outfit or wear this skimpy top/dress that shows off my small arms because no one can even see them under all these goddamm layers - what's the fricken point??? Ugh, just thinking about how today was such a disappointment seems to have raised my body temperature (I'm wearing two coats and typing like the world's about to end so that may also have something to do with it) slightly, so that's nice. Let me try and be positive - I wore this bright yellow jumper in an effort to cheer myself up and I'm probably the most irritable I've been in a while. All because I couldn't sweat out .4 more lbs before I went and ate/purged. So fucking lame.
Oh yeah, I really wanted to pamper myself a bit before going to this crappy club tonight, but HWSNN insisted on eating, and all the spas closed by the time that was done. Marvelous. Then it was too late to squeeze basketball in - fantastic! I'm not going to waste anymore time bitching on here. Clubs close so goddam early over here (1:30, are you kidding me!!!) that I want to get there early and be the only one shaking my (newly) flat ass on the dancefloor if necessary, because I have to make up for today's string of disappointments. Oh gawd, what will I wear? I don't want to wear something skimpy, I want to be covered head to toe and just sweat my life out! But that shit isn't cute! Ah, l'sigh. I'm not going to stress though. Everyone's busted and beyond fat/sloppy in this town. By me showing up in something other than pajamas is an automatic placement at the top of the best dressed list, no lie.
I *must* be in constant motion tonight and sweat like nobody's business ('cos it's not) and I *must* make it to 2 classes tomorrow: Total Core/Shaping/Fusion/Some bullshit and Aqua Athletics or whatever it's called to make up for today. Almighty Scale, show mercy and fucking let me see 117 tomorrow, I implore you! Your humble servant can only take so much, wah~
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Fasted for 4 Days, Waste of Time
So I haven't been on here for what seems like donkey years and that's been a mix of me not wanting to drag my ass anywhere to go online and a mix of feeling like I was a big loser for not keeping my pace of 5 lbs/9 days. So, I chalked it up to "conserving energy" and "staying focused" and really just skirted anything else I had to do outside of going to the gym, finding new classes to join (because I said I would!), and losing weight. If I'm not going to face anything else that I have to do, at least let me do a good job with pleasing the scale, right?
Well, I've been doing good enough, I suppose. Enough so that the whores at the gym have the gall to bring up how much time I spend there everyday and to follow me around like hungry wolves to a roasting pig. This is exactly why I hate gyms - full of nosy bitches and horny pricks that want to fill their eyes to the brim full of other people: fat, skinny, whatever. They soak it up because they're not satisfied with their own lumps of flesh and pass time judging/lusting over others. If you'd only focus more on your ass then you'd be out faster and have more time to enjoy life outside, right, ho? Stop staring at me and stare at your own droopy snatch, maybe you'd do those squats a little bit better.
Ahem. I digress.
So, I've been maintaining a pound lost a day, which is slightly more than what I was doing before (still trying to make up for the past. Gawd, why can't I get over it?) but really now, how long can I keep this up? I say I'll be so happy to get to 115 and will ease up but that's a lie. That'll only be the end of the month, probably. I still have a month's membership. And if the scale goes from moving every day to just every other day...oh gee. It's going to fuck with my head. Like, rational me will say, "it's ok. .6 lbs lost is still good, and still going down. Chill the fuck out!" while irrational me will say, "you inadequate loser. It's still the same goddamm number! What's wrong with you! Somewhere out there, someone's reaching her goal and getting the gigs and guys and glory you want, and it's not you!" and then I'll be bed-ridden for a few days.
So, let me keep doing what was working before - eat and purge - and sweat as much as possible in 4-6 hours. Waking up early and going for 2 hrs, then dropping off HWSNN and heading back to get the rest out worked well for the week or so that I did it. I should try that again. Doing 1 big chunk of gym at a time is draining. I really hate people and how they always want to talk about shit that has nothing to do with them, quip about this and that and stare like they were raised without consideration or manners (probably were). No, if I can help it, I'll take the gym in small doses - crunches, steaming, classes, bball, adios!
HWSNN had some work dinners this week, so I obviously had no reason to eat by myself. I remember before feeling the urge to buy food and eat it alone in the room, without anyone seeing me and without having to see anyone, like some secret shame (ugh, weirdo). Now, I don't even *want* to eat. I know the full feeling that will follow and that feeling equals failure. Failure that I couldn't eat just 5 bites less, failure that I couldn't just not eat at all, failure that I even feel bad about eating 100 cals of nothing! Vegetables and fucking air. So I just restricted my liquid intake so I don't pass out from dehydration and didn't eat until today.
Tell me why the fuck it seemed like my body decided to give me grief and hold on to those liquids for dear life??? Even though I was sweating buckets, I felt like the scale was baaaarely moving. Then I realized that all the purging was sucking those liquids right out of me as fast as I was putting them in, duh! The little bit of lax tea or whatever that I would sip on right before bed didn't really matter, 'cos that's essentially all that stuck with me. So fasting is so not worth it for me. I want to drink drink drink as usual, but I'm so dehydrated that my body just holds on to that shit like a sponge and I barely pee anything out. I didn't feel shaky or so weak that I couldn't function before, so I'm going back to what I know best. Tonight though, I barely ate anything and just couldn't eat anymore. It was so unlike me. If I'm going to eat, I'm going to *eat* and not stop until it's gone. Guess my stomach has other plans for me, these days. I'm not complaining tho. Less time scarfing down means less of a chance that shit is absorbed and retained and more of a chance for me to keep getting smaller.
Speaking of which, my thighs might have shrunk (still trying to figure out if this is true) but it's in proportion to how I was before!!!! I'm MEGA MAD at this fact - what's the fucking point! Now I'm a walking bag of bones draped in chocolate, propped up by two fat marshmallow mounds. Give me a break! I thought my top couldn't get any smaller, and yet, the weight still seems to be coming from there. I can almost hear my thighs taunting me, "we're not going anywhere, Fatty McGee! You're stuck with us for liiiiife, mwa ha ha haaaa" every time I look in the mirror. It's *seriously* frustrating. It's beyond irritating, it's sad. I'll probably be forced to stop going to the gym before I can get them the way I want them to be, and then what am I going to do? I wish I could just donate them to some Body Salvation Army and pick up some other obsessed gal's thighs (that are probably perfectly normal) to replace them...wouldn't that be grand?
Well, I've been doing good enough, I suppose. Enough so that the whores at the gym have the gall to bring up how much time I spend there everyday and to follow me around like hungry wolves to a roasting pig. This is exactly why I hate gyms - full of nosy bitches and horny pricks that want to fill their eyes to the brim full of other people: fat, skinny, whatever. They soak it up because they're not satisfied with their own lumps of flesh and pass time judging/lusting over others. If you'd only focus more on your ass then you'd be out faster and have more time to enjoy life outside, right, ho? Stop staring at me and stare at your own droopy snatch, maybe you'd do those squats a little bit better.
Ahem. I digress.
So, I've been maintaining a pound lost a day, which is slightly more than what I was doing before (still trying to make up for the past. Gawd, why can't I get over it?) but really now, how long can I keep this up? I say I'll be so happy to get to 115 and will ease up but that's a lie. That'll only be the end of the month, probably. I still have a month's membership. And if the scale goes from moving every day to just every other day...oh gee. It's going to fuck with my head. Like, rational me will say, "it's ok. .6 lbs lost is still good, and still going down. Chill the fuck out!" while irrational me will say, "you inadequate loser. It's still the same goddamm number! What's wrong with you! Somewhere out there, someone's reaching her goal and getting the gigs and guys and glory you want, and it's not you!" and then I'll be bed-ridden for a few days.
So, let me keep doing what was working before - eat and purge - and sweat as much as possible in 4-6 hours. Waking up early and going for 2 hrs, then dropping off HWSNN and heading back to get the rest out worked well for the week or so that I did it. I should try that again. Doing 1 big chunk of gym at a time is draining. I really hate people and how they always want to talk about shit that has nothing to do with them, quip about this and that and stare like they were raised without consideration or manners (probably were). No, if I can help it, I'll take the gym in small doses - crunches, steaming, classes, bball, adios!
HWSNN had some work dinners this week, so I obviously had no reason to eat by myself. I remember before feeling the urge to buy food and eat it alone in the room, without anyone seeing me and without having to see anyone, like some secret shame (ugh, weirdo). Now, I don't even *want* to eat. I know the full feeling that will follow and that feeling equals failure. Failure that I couldn't eat just 5 bites less, failure that I couldn't just not eat at all, failure that I even feel bad about eating 100 cals of nothing! Vegetables and fucking air. So I just restricted my liquid intake so I don't pass out from dehydration and didn't eat until today.
Tell me why the fuck it seemed like my body decided to give me grief and hold on to those liquids for dear life??? Even though I was sweating buckets, I felt like the scale was baaaarely moving. Then I realized that all the purging was sucking those liquids right out of me as fast as I was putting them in, duh! The little bit of lax tea or whatever that I would sip on right before bed didn't really matter, 'cos that's essentially all that stuck with me. So fasting is so not worth it for me. I want to drink drink drink as usual, but I'm so dehydrated that my body just holds on to that shit like a sponge and I barely pee anything out. I didn't feel shaky or so weak that I couldn't function before, so I'm going back to what I know best. Tonight though, I barely ate anything and just couldn't eat anymore. It was so unlike me. If I'm going to eat, I'm going to *eat* and not stop until it's gone. Guess my stomach has other plans for me, these days. I'm not complaining tho. Less time scarfing down means less of a chance that shit is absorbed and retained and more of a chance for me to keep getting smaller.
Speaking of which, my thighs might have shrunk (still trying to figure out if this is true) but it's in proportion to how I was before!!!! I'm MEGA MAD at this fact - what's the fucking point! Now I'm a walking bag of bones draped in chocolate, propped up by two fat marshmallow mounds. Give me a break! I thought my top couldn't get any smaller, and yet, the weight still seems to be coming from there. I can almost hear my thighs taunting me, "we're not going anywhere, Fatty McGee! You're stuck with us for liiiiife, mwa ha ha haaaa" every time I look in the mirror. It's *seriously* frustrating. It's beyond irritating, it's sad. I'll probably be forced to stop going to the gym before I can get them the way I want them to be, and then what am I going to do? I wish I could just donate them to some Body Salvation Army and pick up some other obsessed gal's thighs (that are probably perfectly normal) to replace them...wouldn't that be grand?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
I'm a Fat, Lazy, Hypocrite!
I'll keep this short because I want to get up early to steam for 2 hours before I drive HWSNN to work and then begin my afternoon onslaught of at least 5 miles. It's already after 11 (can't believe it) and I feel like getting a goddam spicy big bite from the devil's headquarters (7-11, why do they have to be open 24/7???) I probably will but I thought I was too tired to binge. But who cares? I'll get cold and feel even worse and hopefully just sleep through the night and wake up without hitting snooze in the morning.
Today was another bunk day. I only walked 5.75 miles and played neither basketball nor beach tennis long enough. I just could not bring myself to do either for as long as I wanted (30 and 15 mins respectively) because I was bored. I wasn't whooping ass in bball, yes I was winning at first but I just felt like doing something else, and I was doing well with the faux-tennis, but again, my mind was elsewhere. And god help me if my heart isn't in something, my body will not follow, that's for sure. Every job that I found boring or a waste of my time, I just mentally shut myself off and disconnected until I quit because I'd just show up so late and couldn't be bothered.
So what did I do? I almost cut a fat bitch in the steam room for barking at me to cut off the light, when there are 2 HUGE signs that say the lights must be kept on at all times (probably for whackjobs like me that try and sleep in there, so the nosy staff can see if somebody's passed out when they make their rounds). That whore wasted my time and got me so fucking mad that I didn't enjoy my steaming and actually left 5 mins early when I could have squeeze out another .2 pounds and seen 121 today. Isn't that some shit?! If I see that fucking stumpy sack of shit in there again I will seriously tell her to shut the fuck up and go get a dictionary to translate and comprehend the signs. She had the *nerve* to belch out: it's my choooooice. No you fucking fat lump of lard, your choice was to stop eating decades ago so you could enjoy the benefits of having little old lady legs that are twigs. *That* was your choice! Being a nasty cunt and yelling at me about turning the goddam lights on so I can read and last longer while I'm sweating out my fat misery is *not* your choice!!
That's fine though, moment's passed. I will kick her ass if she dares cross me again - I argued for 30 seconds and said to myself, "she obviously doesn't know what a grudge holding bitch I am. She'll learn soon enough." I pay my pennies to suffer in this smelly shithole just like you, you short little twat. Don't start making up rules and pulling out "rights" from your flabby ass like you run shit. I'm not on that Californian-high-all-the-time-good-vibes-duuuude shit either. I'm straight East Coast crazy and will make you cry before you even realized I insulted you, your kids, your parents, and whatever else comes to mind.
Ugh, what a negative post! And so much for keeping it short, damn. Sorry about that. I'm just mad at myself for not getting to the gym early enough and paying the price. Tomorrow's going to be full of phone calls, running around, trying to get crap done that I don't want to do, but HWSNN certainly can't/won't do himself, and other lameness. I just want to be skinny already, get a job doing something that fat people can't do, and enjoy the perks that come with thinness. I want my hard work to really show and bring a smile to my lips instead of this furrow at my brow. I want results, dammit!
Today was another bunk day. I only walked 5.75 miles and played neither basketball nor beach tennis long enough. I just could not bring myself to do either for as long as I wanted (30 and 15 mins respectively) because I was bored. I wasn't whooping ass in bball, yes I was winning at first but I just felt like doing something else, and I was doing well with the faux-tennis, but again, my mind was elsewhere. And god help me if my heart isn't in something, my body will not follow, that's for sure. Every job that I found boring or a waste of my time, I just mentally shut myself off and disconnected until I quit because I'd just show up so late and couldn't be bothered.
So what did I do? I almost cut a fat bitch in the steam room for barking at me to cut off the light, when there are 2 HUGE signs that say the lights must be kept on at all times (probably for whackjobs like me that try and sleep in there, so the nosy staff can see if somebody's passed out when they make their rounds). That whore wasted my time and got me so fucking mad that I didn't enjoy my steaming and actually left 5 mins early when I could have squeeze out another .2 pounds and seen 121 today. Isn't that some shit?! If I see that fucking stumpy sack of shit in there again I will seriously tell her to shut the fuck up and go get a dictionary to translate and comprehend the signs. She had the *nerve* to belch out: it's my choooooice. No you fucking fat lump of lard, your choice was to stop eating decades ago so you could enjoy the benefits of having little old lady legs that are twigs. *That* was your choice! Being a nasty cunt and yelling at me about turning the goddam lights on so I can read and last longer while I'm sweating out my fat misery is *not* your choice!!
That's fine though, moment's passed. I will kick her ass if she dares cross me again - I argued for 30 seconds and said to myself, "she obviously doesn't know what a grudge holding bitch I am. She'll learn soon enough." I pay my pennies to suffer in this smelly shithole just like you, you short little twat. Don't start making up rules and pulling out "rights" from your flabby ass like you run shit. I'm not on that Californian-high-all-the-time-good-vibes-duuuude shit either. I'm straight East Coast crazy and will make you cry before you even realized I insulted you, your kids, your parents, and whatever else comes to mind.
Ugh, what a negative post! And so much for keeping it short, damn. Sorry about that. I'm just mad at myself for not getting to the gym early enough and paying the price. Tomorrow's going to be full of phone calls, running around, trying to get crap done that I don't want to do, but HWSNN certainly can't/won't do himself, and other lameness. I just want to be skinny already, get a job doing something that fat people can't do, and enjoy the perks that come with thinness. I want my hard work to really show and bring a smile to my lips instead of this furrow at my brow. I want results, dammit!
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