Keep Your Shit Together

All right, let's make this brief, shall we? There's really no need to ramble on and on in a recap of my ED related foolishness...

I had a pretty decent day. Was exhausted yesterday after continuing my 2 lb a day weight loss...of course I'm doing it the unhealthy way. Rapidly, foolishly, slightly obsessively. Meh. The calendar keeps telling me that time is shifting from being on my side to moving on, so I don't have the 'luxury' of being Team Fit Fam (hah) and doing it "the right way" through normal - whatever that is - exercise and a well-balanced diet.

Not like I fucking care. I could die tomorrow from some freak accident and I'd still be skinny-ish, whether it was from barfing or bike riding so whatever, la! Let me do what I have to do for the time being so I can make sure my fat ass gets thin by the time I have to board that plane! Hmph.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. So I'd been tired from my stupid gym obsession and I think I'm becoming dependent on coffee (gross) despite my effort to just limit my intake and only use when extremely necessary. So today/yesterday I decided to take it easy! Don't worry about work or doing a bunch of errands or being *terribly* productive! Just stay happy(ish) and make sure not to tip the scale *no pun intended* towards my freak-out state of mind where I rage and eat everything in sight. No more of that shit, right!

Right. For about 18 hours of the day. Then I met up with a friend and it went downhill from there. Despite me making it clear and she already knowing I don't eat, or at least didn't want to this time, I still managed to kind of get coerced into having just a bit of an appetizer and I *know* in hindsight, and in the rational part of my brain, that it wasn't even anything but it made me uncomfortable.

Ok, no worries. Still had an awesome time, just go home and go to the gym, right? Wrong! She immediately lost her wallet after we left the restaurant, somehow, and my stupid, over-sensitive ass felt bad and bought her a new one. Why? I don't know. I have this awful nagging feeling I'm just bad luck. Seriously. I think that I make everyone's life worse that I know. Whether this is actually true or not, who knows? But I overcompensate.

And then I felt ridiculous for being supersitioius/unfounded in my feelings (because I'm usually pragmatic) and it made me feel bad. I didn't have a meltdown or a complete hissy fit, but I did attempt to binge/purge and, like the forever failure that I am, I fell asleep after just a bowl of ramen. Score! My body went into auto-shutdown mode to prevent serious damage.

So, that's basically it. Oh yeah, I'd been giving my husband a hard time/not playing nice/not intentionally ignoring him the last few days, and then yesterday while I was out, my phone wasn't updating his emails (remember, I cut him off so he can only email me so he can't trigger me or get under my skin). I missed a few of his messages and when I finally did see them, I was in the throes of my eating mania and blurted out that I felt bad for throwing away money like that again, and surprisingly, he just said: you did a nice thing. Treat yourself to something good too and don't worry.

Hold up, who are you? And what did you do with my dense slug of a husband? *pause* I guess everyone has their moments, huh? :-| Whatever, he's leaving for China next week and just told me he'll in fact have to go to Shanghai after all, so who knows what he's up to or what's going on with that. Dunno, don't particularly care. Just come back and keep your job, dude.

Well, that wasn't a particularly short summary of my day's foolishness, but it was thorough!

Now, I can go ceremoniously and symbolically purge and finally get some sleep within the next hour. Which is stupid, cos the gym opens in 90 mins...sigh...

My Husband is a Fat, Triggering Ass

....and I need to stop talking to that bastard completely. I've been really good with not messaging him at all, actually, and not saying petty or trite shit, but being honest, direct, and to the point...making sure not to stir the (empty) pot so interactions could go quicker and just stick to business. But recently this bastard has really been trying to be chatty and act as if all is forgotten.

Goddamn I hate him for that. All is not forgotten, nor are you forgiven, you narcissistic sociopath. Just because I am trying to be civil with you doesn't mean I don't hope your racist parents don't die a painful, smog-related death of lung or some other obscure cancer perhaps related to tainted dumplings, or that you don't eventually get some non-life threatening disease of the dick and think of me every time it burns when you pee (cos you do pee a lot). Horrible to say? Yes. But this is my corner of the internet and I have the goddamm right to. Why should I be pleasant after how you continue to passive-aggressively try to mind fuck with me? You're fucking lucky I don't say 1/100th of the shit I want to say to you because it would just be such an awful thing to hear and I'm not an awful person unless provoked.

Anyway, that jackass isn't worth all those words I just typed. I was close to achieving something today but failed to because I let that idiot and bitches at work get under my skin and distract me. I not-so-subconciously turned to food to take my mind off thing and have something else to bitch about that I brought on, at least. My fucking back *killed* and I really didn't even eat that much. Grilled salmon salad and ravioli, but very small portions. My killer is always the liquids though (to ensure a smooth upchuck process). I must have had like a liter over the course of 8 hours. See, my binges when they're very shameful are multi-part processes cos I keep going back until I'm so full or so racked by guilt that I have enough motivation to go puke up all those awful emotions. Took me a while today cos I didn't want to fail at yet another target today and sure enough, I did. I don't know what I got out but it wasn't all of what I put in, and it was thick and lumpy, meaning I absorbed all the water and shit anyway. Fabulous.

I've got that damn case to finally finish coming up in two days (well, tomorrow, since it's now 5:30 AM) and my sister's birthday is the same time. I've been thinking about it off and on for the last week, reminding myself to get her something and then *whoosh* its already almost too late. Preoccupied with starving and trying not to flip out at work, quit, and take the next plane anywhere. What a goddamm mess.

Well, you know I hate complaining, even though I admittedly do it way too much, so I'm going to end it at that. My keyboard sucks, by the way - the 's' key and some others are just lazy as fuck and on their own working schedule, so excuse any errors. I don't care enough to go back at the moment and do a thorough once-over and editing check. *kanye shrug* Who know who actually reads this drivel anyway?

Failure, Party of One?

Didn't reach 110.

Binged on soy milk and am now even further away.

Hope I pee it out and can starve enough the next week while the gym is closed not to gain.

Will start walking again, starting tomorrow (at least 5 miles during the hottest part of the day to sweat the most, in my long underwear, 3 layers, etc.)

HWSNN was kicked out tonight for seriously looking me dead in the eye and trying to convince me to give him a year to fucking cheat on me. Oh, how I wish I could post his fat face all over the internet and shame him and his disgusting parents for raising such a base, selfish, miserable little cunt of a human being.

Whatever, next time I feel like binging, let me not forget how disgusting he is and how sick of this life I am and keep my fucking mouth shut. I couldn't even binge a pound tonight, I was just to tired/sick of it all.

Oh, did I mention he keeps telling me about one of his stupid Chinese friend (who's probably racist and spoke shit about me like the rest of them all did when I wasn't around) who wants to invest in American stocks? Why the *fuck* would I help this loser any more than I already have, or his dumbass friend that I don't even know? Do these idiots have no fucking shame? Two days in a row he's brought this investing shit up, I just told him to let me have a moment to clear my head, I just had a crappy day. How much more selfish can a pig get?? How many of his dumb cocksucking friends have I helped only to find out they've said so much racist shit about me and never to hear from them/have a smidgen of appreciation shown towards me at all? Fuck that and fuck them and fuck him for letting them think I'm just here to be used by everyone.

And that's all, folks! I really have nothing useful to say. I was late to work today because I couldn't get out of bed, went to the gym late, and still didn't even move the goddam scale. Bad day all around ended on a predictable low note.

Wake me up when I'm dead, ok? Thanks.

One Small Victory, I Guess...

Today started out way too late. As usual, I woke up early (after about 4 hours of sleep) but couldn't will myself to get out of bed until I was so disgusted I couldn't lie there anymore. I figure, if I'm not awake then I'm not eating, so that's a good thing. But I realize that it's totally killed my metabolism and that's why the second *any* food enters my body, I balloon up several pounds. Thankfully, I'm down to 145 and stayed there all day.

Well, I thought about eating nonstop for a few hours and finally caved in and got a goddamn salad. Could it really even be considered a salad though? It was full of blue cheese, bacon bits, and 8 small cubes of steak. I loved and hated every bite. Actually, after the first few mouthfuls, I could have stopped and would have been OK. But as usual, once I started I had to finish.....everything.

I couldn't take the thought of all that I ate and how I didn't even like it, so I purged. So wasteful. But after the first little bit comes up and I see it collecting in the bowl, I feel so relieved. So happy that I was at least strong enough to get it out of me, although I was too weak to let it in me in the first place.

Anyway, what did I do just a few hours later? Had some cereal and purged again. But I didn't have any water  this time and it was unpleasant coming up. I don't think I got all if it out and am unhappy about the thought of my weight going back up. Invisalign be damned, I'm going to alternate between tea and water every two hours for the next week and hopefully lose 10 pounds. If only I could go out dancing regularly, it's such a good work out for me.

The countdown is on until I head back to Cali...it's so cold there, but that's not so bad. I can wear clothes to hide my fat legs and stick to clear soups if I'm cold and really really hungry and thinking about food. Once I get to my first goal weight, I'll start planning to head to LA or San Fran so I can finally get serious about  modelling again. That's my motivation right there and that's what's going to keep me going. I believe in the power of the Almighty Scale!

Why Must I Eat Once It's Dark Out?

I think it's because I really really can't stand to eat with/around other people so I wait until I'm really alone and just go to town. I also don't like sleeping on an empty stomach, for some reason. I like the feeling of being full and drifting off to sleep. At the same time, I hate the feeling because with me, it's either all or nothing. I won't eat all day or I'll eat way too much.

Take the last 30 hours or so: Ate too much (well, wasn't hungry and ate an unnecessary 400 calories or so of food anyway) and then spent all of Friday drinking water only. Skipped weigh in because I felt disgusting, and knew that the scale would only make me feel worse. Plus, I knew I had an event that I was hired to model at tonight, and I have this fucking lower belly that seems more pronounced these days - am I retaining too much liquid?

Anyway, I just checked to see if I was lighter at all, and low and behold, after pissing the day away (literally) I am down 4 pounds from Thursday. Great, right? Of course not. I have a fucking sub laying about 10 feet away that I want to devour but I know the inevitable regret that will be waiting for me after I finish the last bite.

Why or why can't I just keep my mouth shut and stick to water? How am I going to lose weight and keep it off if I keep eating like a normal person?