All right, let's make this brief, shall we? There's really no need to ramble on and on in a recap of my ED related foolishness...
I had a pretty decent day. Was exhausted yesterday after continuing my 2 lb a day weight loss...of course I'm doing it the unhealthy way. Rapidly, foolishly, slightly obsessively. Meh. The calendar keeps telling me that time is shifting from being on my side to moving on, so I don't have the 'luxury' of being Team Fit Fam (hah) and doing it "the right way" through normal - whatever that is - exercise and a well-balanced diet.
Not like I fucking care. I could die tomorrow from some freak accident and I'd still be skinny-ish, whether it was from barfing or bike riding so whatever, la! Let me do what I have to do for the time being so I can make sure my fat ass gets thin by the time I have to board that plane! Hmph.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. So I'd been tired from my stupid gym obsession and I think I'm becoming dependent on coffee (gross) despite my effort to just limit my intake and only use when extremely necessary. So today/yesterday I decided to take it easy! Don't worry about work or doing a bunch of errands or being *terribly* productive! Just stay happy(ish) and make sure not to tip the scale *no pun intended* towards my freak-out state of mind where I rage and eat everything in sight. No more of that shit, right!
Right. For about 18 hours of the day. Then I met up with a friend and it went downhill from there. Despite me making it clear and she already knowing I don't eat, or at least didn't want to this time, I still managed to kind of get coerced into having just a bit of an appetizer and I *know* in hindsight, and in the rational part of my brain, that it wasn't even anything but it made me uncomfortable.
Ok, no worries. Still had an awesome time, just go home and go to the gym, right? Wrong! She immediately lost her wallet after we left the restaurant, somehow, and my stupid, over-sensitive ass felt bad and bought her a new one. Why? I don't know. I have this awful nagging feeling I'm just bad luck. Seriously. I think that I make everyone's life worse that I know. Whether this is actually true or not, who knows? But I overcompensate.
And then I felt ridiculous for being supersitioius/unfounded in my feelings (because I'm usually pragmatic) and it made me feel bad. I didn't have a meltdown or a complete hissy fit, but I did attempt to binge/purge and, like the forever failure that I am, I fell asleep after just a bowl of ramen. Score! My body went into auto-shutdown mode to prevent serious damage.
So, that's basically it. Oh yeah, I'd been giving my husband a hard time/not playing nice/not intentionally ignoring him the last few days, and then yesterday while I was out, my phone wasn't updating his emails (remember, I cut him off so he can only email me so he can't trigger me or get under my skin). I missed a few of his messages and when I finally did see them, I was in the throes of my eating mania and blurted out that I felt bad for throwing away money like that again, and surprisingly, he just said: you did a nice thing. Treat yourself to something good too and don't worry.
Hold up, who are you? And what did you do with my dense slug of a husband? *pause* I guess everyone has their moments, huh? :-| Whatever, he's leaving for China next week and just told me he'll in fact have to go to Shanghai after all, so who knows what he's up to or what's going on with that. Dunno, don't particularly care. Just come back and keep your job, dude.
Well, that wasn't a particularly short summary of my day's foolishness, but it was thorough!
Now, I can go ceremoniously and symbolically purge and finally get some sleep within the next hour. Which is stupid, cos the gym opens in 90 mins...sigh...
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Friday, March 8, 2013
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Failure, Party of One?
Didn't reach 110.
Binged on soy milk and am now even further away.
Hope I pee it out and can starve enough the next week while the gym is closed not to gain.
Will start walking again, starting tomorrow (at least 5 miles during the hottest part of the day to sweat the most, in my long underwear, 3 layers, etc.)
HWSNN was kicked out tonight for seriously looking me dead in the eye and trying to convince me to give him a year to fucking cheat on me. Oh, how I wish I could post his fat face all over the internet and shame him and his disgusting parents for raising such a base, selfish, miserable little cunt of a human being.
Whatever, next time I feel like binging, let me not forget how disgusting he is and how sick of this life I am and keep my fucking mouth shut. I couldn't even binge a pound tonight, I was just to tired/sick of it all.
Oh, did I mention he keeps telling me about one of his stupid Chinese friend (who's probably racist and spoke shit about me like the rest of them all did when I wasn't around) who wants to invest in American stocks? Why the *fuck* would I help this loser any more than I already have, or his dumbass friend that I don't even know? Do these idiots have no fucking shame? Two days in a row he's brought this investing shit up, I just told him to let me have a moment to clear my head, I just had a crappy day. How much more selfish can a pig get?? How many of his dumb cocksucking friends have I helped only to find out they've said so much racist shit about me and never to hear from them/have a smidgen of appreciation shown towards me at all? Fuck that and fuck them and fuck him for letting them think I'm just here to be used by everyone.
And that's all, folks! I really have nothing useful to say. I was late to work today because I couldn't get out of bed, went to the gym late, and still didn't even move the goddam scale. Bad day all around ended on a predictable low note.
Wake me up when I'm dead, ok? Thanks.
Binged on soy milk and am now even further away.
Hope I pee it out and can starve enough the next week while the gym is closed not to gain.
Will start walking again, starting tomorrow (at least 5 miles during the hottest part of the day to sweat the most, in my long underwear, 3 layers, etc.)
HWSNN was kicked out tonight for seriously looking me dead in the eye and trying to convince me to give him a year to fucking cheat on me. Oh, how I wish I could post his fat face all over the internet and shame him and his disgusting parents for raising such a base, selfish, miserable little cunt of a human being.
Whatever, next time I feel like binging, let me not forget how disgusting he is and how sick of this life I am and keep my fucking mouth shut. I couldn't even binge a pound tonight, I was just to tired/sick of it all.
Oh, did I mention he keeps telling me about one of his stupid Chinese friend (who's probably racist and spoke shit about me like the rest of them all did when I wasn't around) who wants to invest in American stocks? Why the *fuck* would I help this loser any more than I already have, or his dumbass friend that I don't even know? Do these idiots have no fucking shame? Two days in a row he's brought this investing shit up, I just told him to let me have a moment to clear my head, I just had a crappy day. How much more selfish can a pig get?? How many of his dumb cocksucking friends have I helped only to find out they've said so much racist shit about me and never to hear from them/have a smidgen of appreciation shown towards me at all? Fuck that and fuck them and fuck him for letting them think I'm just here to be used by everyone.
And that's all, folks! I really have nothing useful to say. I was late to work today because I couldn't get out of bed, went to the gym late, and still didn't even move the goddam scale. Bad day all around ended on a predictable low note.
Wake me up when I'm dead, ok? Thanks.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Binged on Popsicles - Dammit All!
And that's why I'm not 110 by now. Damn shame. There's 1 more day before August is over. Gonna wake up and put in my time and try not to pass out at work. I was so cold today, I didn't wear any tights, so my toes and chest were exposed and I just felt a little worn thin. My mouth was so dry from talking about stupid bullshit products that I neither care about nor would I myself even buy (stupid, overpriced material shit) that I had to rinse it out several times.
I binged during lunch because I was sitting out in the sun with sweatpants on under my dress (grabbed them from my bag) and it just felt so good. I didn't freak out though, because I ended up peeing it out later. But I was disappointed in myself because I didn't put in the hours/effort today in the evening. Whenever I cheat or don't push myself, the Almighty Scale knows and punishes me by not moving. It's ok though, there's still time tomorrow morning. I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I just drank some water and had twice as many pops as I should have (had to take a Centrium, my feet have been cramping intermittently since this afternoon).
Oh, and as expected, HWSNN is acting like a petulant child. Television's so loud again, I couldn't even follow what I was writing just now (hope it makes sense) and picking little fights. I just can't stand him. He's so selfish and negative. And he knows I know he's going out of his way to be as annoying as possible, trying to push my buttons and shit. Doesn't he realize, his stupid dick antics just fuel me to keep going and not fuck this up? Thanks, asshole. You're just the reminder I need as to why I keep this up so I can take my frustrations out somehow...I may not be the happiest, but I can keep trying to be the thinnest.
I binged during lunch because I was sitting out in the sun with sweatpants on under my dress (grabbed them from my bag) and it just felt so good. I didn't freak out though, because I ended up peeing it out later. But I was disappointed in myself because I didn't put in the hours/effort today in the evening. Whenever I cheat or don't push myself, the Almighty Scale knows and punishes me by not moving. It's ok though, there's still time tomorrow morning. I'm not getting my hopes up though, because I just drank some water and had twice as many pops as I should have (had to take a Centrium, my feet have been cramping intermittently since this afternoon).
Oh, and as expected, HWSNN is acting like a petulant child. Television's so loud again, I couldn't even follow what I was writing just now (hope it makes sense) and picking little fights. I just can't stand him. He's so selfish and negative. And he knows I know he's going out of his way to be as annoying as possible, trying to push my buttons and shit. Doesn't he realize, his stupid dick antics just fuel me to keep going and not fuck this up? Thanks, asshole. You're just the reminder I need as to why I keep this up so I can take my frustrations out somehow...I may not be the happiest, but I can keep trying to be the thinnest.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Snap Out of It & Get Back on Track!
Totally slipped into some depressed funk towards the end of last week - what a blur. I got a gig doing beauty promo work and just fumbled my way through the weekend. It was a welcome distraction to the the pathetic excuse of a "relationship" that I'm suffering through, but I had to have a bottle of crappy Coke during the second day, just so I wouldn't fall over. Of course, I had my nightly meal that I purged right after, but at least my nose didn't bleed.
Only problem was, the shitty gym I was going to has shortened hours over the weekend, so I couldn't work out before/after the gig for 3 whole days. Of course, the Almighty Scale was being a cunty dick, and throwing up random numbers just to kill my spirit. Somehow, I'm still 132 despite no extra physical activity since Thursday. I really really wanted to get down to 130 by the end of the month, and I still have 3 days, technically. This morning, I was 132.4, and normally after a work out, I go down at least a pound.
Yesterday during a little basketball 1 on 1 with The Cheater, I was so dizzy I had to sit down. I had jumped rope and done 5 min of the stairmaster like it was going out of style, and then the added stress of trying to defend this 200 lb trainwreck was a little too much, I guess. At least I stepped foot inside that shithole. I'm waiting for my car to finish being worked on while it rains, and then I'm going to spend at least 2 hours today sweating my sorrow and fat out. Have another gig for tomorrow and Thursday and I really need to go all out.
If only I could lose 5 pounds from each thigh and another 5 from my fat ass, I would be so much happier. That's the only place that I really have any fat to spare. Maybe 2.5 from my stomach...anyway, June was purge month, July will be liquid cleanse month. I'm tired of wasting money on food.
Only problem was, the shitty gym I was going to has shortened hours over the weekend, so I couldn't work out before/after the gig for 3 whole days. Of course, the Almighty Scale was being a cunty dick, and throwing up random numbers just to kill my spirit. Somehow, I'm still 132 despite no extra physical activity since Thursday. I really really wanted to get down to 130 by the end of the month, and I still have 3 days, technically. This morning, I was 132.4, and normally after a work out, I go down at least a pound.
Yesterday during a little basketball 1 on 1 with The Cheater, I was so dizzy I had to sit down. I had jumped rope and done 5 min of the stairmaster like it was going out of style, and then the added stress of trying to defend this 200 lb trainwreck was a little too much, I guess. At least I stepped foot inside that shithole. I'm waiting for my car to finish being worked on while it rains, and then I'm going to spend at least 2 hours today sweating my sorrow and fat out. Have another gig for tomorrow and Thursday and I really need to go all out.
If only I could lose 5 pounds from each thigh and another 5 from my fat ass, I would be so much happier. That's the only place that I really have any fat to spare. Maybe 2.5 from my stomach...anyway, June was purge month, July will be liquid cleanse month. I'm tired of wasting money on food.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Feeling Worn Out & Doubtful
It's late, but I wanted to update a little something.
My nose has been bleeding a lot in the last day or two. I think it's unrelated to all the purging - I've had bad nosebleeds since I was really young. Usually because of extreme heat, cold, dry air, pollen and my allergies acting up, or general stress. Well, it's been unusually hot all of a sudden with the air reeking of whatever has been shedding from the trees. I'm sure I'll get over it. I haven't stopped purging and don't plan on stopping until I'm out of the 130s, thank-you-very-much.
Anyway, I don't trust the scale anymore and I'll just chalk that up to another one of my flaws/paranoias/ridiculous shortcomings. Fucking thing loves to dance through every number possible before arbitrarily settling on whatever it feels like for the day, and rarely is it the number I want. I haven't done crunches in 2 days and my flabby, fatty fat lower abdomen isn't hiding the fact for me at all. It's so gross - the way it just sits there. Solid fat. Sticking out and ruining my shape.
If I kind of make my legs tight (flex a little) I have a thigh gap when my feet are together, but I feel like that's cheating. Plus, the meat on my thighs still hangs there like some treat for a pack of hungry wolves, so what does it matter? I'm going to have to start doing something to tone them, but god, I know they will just balloon up and negate all of my hard work. My jeans still aren't baggy or loose and I'm really bummed about that. I was hoping to get some new (smaller) clothes, but I might as well just tattoo a fucking "L" on my ass and be done with it.
When will I ever ever ever get to feel whispy and waifish? Seems like just a wild, sad dream. I'll probably die before I ever get to know the feeling.
My nose has been bleeding a lot in the last day or two. I think it's unrelated to all the purging - I've had bad nosebleeds since I was really young. Usually because of extreme heat, cold, dry air, pollen and my allergies acting up, or general stress. Well, it's been unusually hot all of a sudden with the air reeking of whatever has been shedding from the trees. I'm sure I'll get over it. I haven't stopped purging and don't plan on stopping until I'm out of the 130s, thank-you-very-much.
Anyway, I don't trust the scale anymore and I'll just chalk that up to another one of my flaws/paranoias/ridiculous shortcomings. Fucking thing loves to dance through every number possible before arbitrarily settling on whatever it feels like for the day, and rarely is it the number I want. I haven't done crunches in 2 days and my flabby, fatty fat lower abdomen isn't hiding the fact for me at all. It's so gross - the way it just sits there. Solid fat. Sticking out and ruining my shape.
If I kind of make my legs tight (flex a little) I have a thigh gap when my feet are together, but I feel like that's cheating. Plus, the meat on my thighs still hangs there like some treat for a pack of hungry wolves, so what does it matter? I'm going to have to start doing something to tone them, but god, I know they will just balloon up and negate all of my hard work. My jeans still aren't baggy or loose and I'm really bummed about that. I was hoping to get some new (smaller) clothes, but I might as well just tattoo a fucking "L" on my ass and be done with it.
When will I ever ever ever get to feel whispy and waifish? Seems like just a wild, sad dream. I'll probably die before I ever get to know the feeling.
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