Ha ha, just kidding! I'm still a fat mess, but at least I'm trying and figuring out how to manage my rotten ways and ridiculous, disordered eating, right?
See, what it boils down to is I'm an over-achiever...a "Type A" I guess is what they like to label folks with my personality traits. I don't like to be told what to do, I need to micro-manage, and I'm always looking for better and pushing myself to be the best. But the thing that makes me slightly different is I'm not competitive - I don't give a flying fuck what my peers are doing really and I don't want to necessarily have their lives or out do anyone or be better than another person.
Because really, who knows what someone is going through on the inside or what one's life is like behind those closed doors? If someone were to look at my fat ass, they'd think I was very fortunate, with an enviable situation and appealing (enough) body and desirable aspects to my life. They'd be right on the surface I guess but the daily torment/back-and-forth I put myself through is such shyte, I mean, who would really trade their lives for mine if they knew how I really am?
Anyway, what was I babbling about? Oh yes, I've tried kicking my vomiting cold-turkey. It lasted for a few days, then almost a few weeks, but I started again once a day and then I had to just stop eating altogether. I can't with the vomiting. It's tiring, and my allergies are acting up and it fucks with my throat so badly. Plus, I always try and grow my nails out a little as a deterrent from poking around my esophagus and I don't feel like ripping them off again so no more eating which equals no purging. Well, that's the plan, anyway...
But yeah, after being triggered by my husband's perverse, teenage-fucking ways and filing our taxes jointly (for the last time, I swear!), I've been very truthful to myself about my failed relationships and mommy/daddy/guilt issues and I have a plan of attack (kind of) in mind so I'm just chilling out, shopping too much, and trying to be social at least once a week before I finally head over to Tokyo.
I get it: life can be shitty and usually is for a majority of the world's population. Am I going to keep complaining and wallowing in my own fat and failure or am I going to reclaim my philosophy of "fuck the rest, just do your best" and fight for my own version of happiness? If you know me by now, I think you'll know the answer to that question...
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Feeling Fat...And Happy(Happier?)
As you might already know from my unfiltered tweets from the past 3 months or so, I had a big, fat, slimy toad clinging to my back and weighing me down for way too long - I finally kicked that nasty creature to the curb and instantly felt immeasurably better. It was great! Suddenly, the whole world just seemed a little brighter and I honestly felt like I could *feel* it and notice a visible change. It was great to finally be free of something that had been making you so unhappy for so long. I had been stressing out about it because I was too embarrassed to go into the details at first for fear that people were too stupid to listen to the whole story and just judge me that I was in the middle of a bitter lawsuit.
Then I remembered I really didn't care what people thought and I wanted it to be known that this sleazebag existed and to publicly shame him and not myself in the process. Wasn't that the whole reason I was doing this? To stand up for my rights and not let this piece of shit continue to get away with ripping people off, deliver some justice in my own little way? Once I let a few people know (if asked) what was going on, I felt better, but still anxious because of the uncertainty and the factors that were out of my control. But, I was able to get the desired outcome and necessary validation and so my mood improved. This bastard represented my disappointment in Hawaii and frustrations in life and to close that chapter finally is a great feeling.
Now I have no reason to binge and purge because of stress and my inability to cope with the strain of the trial. I should be going to the gym and working on getting tiny...so why am I fatter than I've been in a few weeks? My excuse could be that I wanted to "relax" and "enjoy my victory" or some shit like that, but really I'm just lazy, let's face it. I eat still with the intention of purging, just maybe not as soon as I'd like. And I'm eating far less than an all-out-mega purge: just a bit of cereal and ramen and still under the daily recommended intake (of course). But I still wake up in the middle of the night, disappointed that I ate, stay up for 5 or 6 hours reading and subconsciously fretting about not purging immediately, and then finally around sun up or maybe even after dawn, I'll chug some water and just yack a little bit of something up so I can get a wink (30 mins maybe? If I'm lucky) of sleep and start my day.
This isn't what I'd like. I don't mind staying up, but not because I'm worrying about getting progressively fatter every day. And it's all water weight. At least I can sweat it out and I know exactly how many hours it'll take to do so. The hardest part is always starting to do what you need to do and stopping the shit that you shouldn't have been doing to begin with. But, with Tokyo on the horizon, I really don't have a choice. I refuse to go to that country big, fat, and wretched. Hells no! I'm going to be a tall whisp of a thing and blow everyone's mind who seems me.
Or something like that! ^_^
Then I remembered I really didn't care what people thought and I wanted it to be known that this sleazebag existed and to publicly shame him and not myself in the process. Wasn't that the whole reason I was doing this? To stand up for my rights and not let this piece of shit continue to get away with ripping people off, deliver some justice in my own little way? Once I let a few people know (if asked) what was going on, I felt better, but still anxious because of the uncertainty and the factors that were out of my control. But, I was able to get the desired outcome and necessary validation and so my mood improved. This bastard represented my disappointment in Hawaii and frustrations in life and to close that chapter finally is a great feeling.
Now I have no reason to binge and purge because of stress and my inability to cope with the strain of the trial. I should be going to the gym and working on getting tiny...so why am I fatter than I've been in a few weeks? My excuse could be that I wanted to "relax" and "enjoy my victory" or some shit like that, but really I'm just lazy, let's face it. I eat still with the intention of purging, just maybe not as soon as I'd like. And I'm eating far less than an all-out-mega purge: just a bit of cereal and ramen and still under the daily recommended intake (of course). But I still wake up in the middle of the night, disappointed that I ate, stay up for 5 or 6 hours reading and subconsciously fretting about not purging immediately, and then finally around sun up or maybe even after dawn, I'll chug some water and just yack a little bit of something up so I can get a wink (30 mins maybe? If I'm lucky) of sleep and start my day.
This isn't what I'd like. I don't mind staying up, but not because I'm worrying about getting progressively fatter every day. And it's all water weight. At least I can sweat it out and I know exactly how many hours it'll take to do so. The hardest part is always starting to do what you need to do and stopping the shit that you shouldn't have been doing to begin with. But, with Tokyo on the horizon, I really don't have a choice. I refuse to go to that country big, fat, and wretched. Hells no! I'm going to be a tall whisp of a thing and blow everyone's mind who seems me.
Or something like that! ^_^
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
My Husband is a Fat, Triggering Ass
....and I need to stop talking to that bastard completely. I've been really good with not messaging him at all, actually, and not saying petty or trite shit, but being honest, direct, and to the point...making sure not to stir the (empty) pot so interactions could go quicker and just stick to business. But recently this bastard has really been trying to be chatty and act as if all is forgotten.
Goddamn I hate him for that. All is not forgotten, nor are you forgiven, you narcissistic sociopath. Just because I am trying to be civil with you doesn't mean I don't hope your racist parents don't die a painful, smog-related death of lung or some other obscure cancer perhaps related to tainted dumplings, or that you don't eventually get some non-life threatening disease of the dick and think of me every time it burns when you pee (cos you do pee a lot). Horrible to say? Yes. But this is my corner of the internet and I have the goddamm right to. Why should I be pleasant after how you continue to passive-aggressively try to mind fuck with me? You're fucking lucky I don't say 1/100th of the shit I want to say to you because it would just be such an awful thing to hear and I'm not an awful person unless provoked.
Anyway, that jackass isn't worth all those words I just typed. I was close to achieving something today but failed to because I let that idiot and bitches at work get under my skin and distract me. I not-so-subconciously turned to food to take my mind off thing and have something else to bitch about that I brought on, at least. My fucking back *killed* and I really didn't even eat that much. Grilled salmon salad and ravioli, but very small portions. My killer is always the liquids though (to ensure a smooth upchuck process). I must have had like a liter over the course of 8 hours. See, my binges when they're very shameful are multi-part processes cos I keep going back until I'm so full or so racked by guilt that I have enough motivation to go puke up all those awful emotions. Took me a while today cos I didn't want to fail at yet another target today and sure enough, I did. I don't know what I got out but it wasn't all of what I put in, and it was thick and lumpy, meaning I absorbed all the water and shit anyway. Fabulous.
I've got that damn case to finally finish coming up in two days (well, tomorrow, since it's now 5:30 AM) and my sister's birthday is the same time. I've been thinking about it off and on for the last week, reminding myself to get her something and then *whoosh* its already almost too late. Preoccupied with starving and trying not to flip out at work, quit, and take the next plane anywhere. What a goddamm mess.
Well, you know I hate complaining, even though I admittedly do it way too much, so I'm going to end it at that. My keyboard sucks, by the way - the 's' key and some others are just lazy as fuck and on their own working schedule, so excuse any errors. I don't care enough to go back at the moment and do a thorough once-over and editing check. *kanye shrug* Who know who actually reads this drivel anyway?
Goddamn I hate him for that. All is not forgotten, nor are you forgiven, you narcissistic sociopath. Just because I am trying to be civil with you doesn't mean I don't hope your racist parents don't die a painful, smog-related death of lung or some other obscure cancer perhaps related to tainted dumplings, or that you don't eventually get some non-life threatening disease of the dick and think of me every time it burns when you pee (cos you do pee a lot). Horrible to say? Yes. But this is my corner of the internet and I have the goddamm right to. Why should I be pleasant after how you continue to passive-aggressively try to mind fuck with me? You're fucking lucky I don't say 1/100th of the shit I want to say to you because it would just be such an awful thing to hear and I'm not an awful person unless provoked.
Anyway, that jackass isn't worth all those words I just typed. I was close to achieving something today but failed to because I let that idiot and bitches at work get under my skin and distract me. I not-so-subconciously turned to food to take my mind off thing and have something else to bitch about that I brought on, at least. My fucking back *killed* and I really didn't even eat that much. Grilled salmon salad and ravioli, but very small portions. My killer is always the liquids though (to ensure a smooth upchuck process). I must have had like a liter over the course of 8 hours. See, my binges when they're very shameful are multi-part processes cos I keep going back until I'm so full or so racked by guilt that I have enough motivation to go puke up all those awful emotions. Took me a while today cos I didn't want to fail at yet another target today and sure enough, I did. I don't know what I got out but it wasn't all of what I put in, and it was thick and lumpy, meaning I absorbed all the water and shit anyway. Fabulous.
I've got that damn case to finally finish coming up in two days (well, tomorrow, since it's now 5:30 AM) and my sister's birthday is the same time. I've been thinking about it off and on for the last week, reminding myself to get her something and then *whoosh* its already almost too late. Preoccupied with starving and trying not to flip out at work, quit, and take the next plane anywhere. What a goddamm mess.
Well, you know I hate complaining, even though I admittedly do it way too much, so I'm going to end it at that. My keyboard sucks, by the way - the 's' key and some others are just lazy as fuck and on their own working schedule, so excuse any errors. I don't care enough to go back at the moment and do a thorough once-over and editing check. *kanye shrug* Who know who actually reads this drivel anyway?
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